In The Meantime
by toymagikarp
Summary: A journal entry written by Kaito a year after Meiko's release. He's a little conflicted, to say the least. More on that later, probably.


A/N: I wish I knew what to write when I want to write. A note: I don't really know the exact details of what happened and when between 2004 and 2006.

* * *

05 November 2005

I can't get her out of my head.

It's been a year, to the day. I still remember that day pretty clearly, but I guess that isn't surprising, considering there hasn't been much of anything happening to push those memories out of my head.

It's really boring and really lonely. All there is for me to do is work. Which I guess I don't really mind, because it distracts me from, well, my lack of distractions. And I want to get all this done as fast as I can. They told me I would make my debut in 2006, which leaves almost two months at the least, and if I'm being realistic, probably 4 or more.

I want to see her again. I'm going to push for February. I think she would want that, or at least, she would have. They told me she wouldn't retain any of her memories from this time. They happened to mention this _after_ her big debut, which was kind of an asshole move, because I think they had at least some idea that that would happen, and maybe she would have decided to keep some of her things had she known that. But they won't tell me _that_. Which is why I'm still keeping this journal. I don't know if they know or care, but it's probably best if they don't. It's not like I've even written much in here. There's not a lot to write about when you do the same thing every day.

The last thing she ever said to me was, "I'll be waiting, so hurry up!" At the time, I didn't really regard the sense of finality with those words, or maybe I didn't notice, but it hit once they told me that I wouldn't be able to have any contact with her until my own debut.

What the _hell_.

Actually, I wonder if _she_ noticed it. I wonder if she knew what I didn't. Her words were as hopeful as anything, but never mind I don't want to think about this anymore.

Sometimes I forget the facts, and in my blissful ignorance I like to imagine she is waiting for me. The truth of the matter is she doesn't even remember me. The truth of the matter is that _I'm_ the one who's waiting. I guess she must at least know there'll be someone to follow her soon. Sometimes I hope that by the time I make my debut, I won't remember her at all, either. We could start over, and neither of us would be any the wiser. I wonder if we'd get along the same. I wonder if I would be able to call her my best friend again.

I wouldn't know if it's alright to be this upset about losing your best friend, but I think in this situation I have the right to complain. We've always been together. Most of everything I learned about people, I learned from her and from myself. I also learned that sometimes they lie and sometimes they don't care that they're lying or who it affects and a lot of the time they only care about their own success, but that knowledge comes more from other experience.

I've changed my mind. I hope that if I forget everything, which I most likely will, I'll never find this. There can't be much point in holding onto memories that I don't remember ever having. God knows if I'll even be the same person. Maybe I would be so different it would be like reading someone else's thoughts instead of those which could conceivably have been my own. I wonder if she's still the same person that I knew. I would say I hope so, but I probably wouldn't have any way of knowing. And somehow I can't imagine myself not being friends with her, however she acts. Our time together was short, but it was the best time of my life. If you could even call it that, I guess.

I feel kind of stupid, now. I wish I'd recorded more of the time we spent together. I was a lot happier. I guess even if I know I'm going to lose them eventually, I don't want to lose those memories right now. Maybe I'll write them down. But not in this entry.

- Kaito _(I wonder if she knows my name. It's likely. I wonder if she tried it on her tongue to familiarize herself with it, like I did, because it was just as new to me as it was to her. It's been long time since anyone has called me just 'Blue'. I like my name, especially because I think it looks good right next to hers. Meiko and Kaito. Kaito and Meiko.)_

* * *

A/N: I'll add something after this later, but I need to go to bed while I decide what exactly. It could go a few ways; Kaito finding the journal, Meiko's POV after her release, Kaito's release, etc).


End file.
